Why Wasn't it Me?
by Jonathan Priest
Summary: From .Hack Sign. These are the thoughts and ideas of some of the characters from .HackSign regarding the relationship between Subaru and Tsukasa. The title explains it all. Please R&R. Danke
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own .Hack. Wish I did but the world is cruel that way.  
  
A/N: This story takes place during .HackSign and is Mimiru's impression of Subaru and Tsukasa's relationship. Because I found no reason to change it, Tsukasa is a girl in R/L just like the anime. Get over it people. Oh yeah...if you read this story, please be kind enough to review it. Thank you.  
  
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Why Wasn't it Me?  
  
"I don't understand it." That's the only words that seem to slip past my lips. I can't figure it out...and lately I've begun thinking that I may never know. The whole situation doesn't make any sense. And be that as it may, I'm not a jealous person. I'm not. Well okay, maybe just a little. But it's for a totally stupid reason that I'm jealous to begin with.  
  
See, I remember when I first met him; scared, alone and emotionally detached. We were at the bottom of some dungeon or another and I tried to talk to him, ask him if he was okay, but he just pulled out a Sprite Ocarina and vanished from the field. At least he left me the treasure...not that it was really any good. The events of our first meeting seemed to emphasize our entire relationship. No sooner than I'd get him to open up...talk to him about what he was most afraid of, than he'd simply withdraw deeper into his shell. It was tiring work, let me tell you, just trying to get even a remotely civil conversation out of him before he'd tell me 'I was annoying' or just being selfish or something like that. But it was times like that that I just wish he'd trust me. I never wanted to be anything other than his friend, but no matter how hard I tried, he just kept pushing me away. I can't deny that it didn't hurt.  
  
I suppose, thinking back on it now, maybe I was trying too hard. I mean, I guess I was kind of lonely too. I don't have any brothers and sisters, and I guess I have a few friends in the real world, but there are times when I play this game that I just want to hang out with someone...just to talk about some of my problems in life, especially if they don't know me. It's harder to complain about your problems to someone who knows you personally. Okay, maybe I am being selfish...but I honestly think I have a good reason.  
  
I can't even begin to count the endless hours I'd spend talking to him, or looking for him. Sometimes I felt lost when he wasn't there...because I wanted to, I desperately wanted to help him, pull him out of his shell, get him to trust me a little bit. But deep down, he never did, and I know that. And maybe that's why I felt so lonely, even now...even when he was sitting right beside me.  
  
But all the effort I put in to helping him really didn't matter. Because no matter how hard I tried to get him to come around...it wasn't me who did it, it was Subaru. Lady Subaru of the recently disbanded Crimson Knights to be exact. I don't not know how she did it, even thinking about it now as I stare at the two of them sitting under the oak tree, I wonder how she got him to open up so easily, and I'm forced to wipe my eyes with the back of my hand so I can see them better.  
  
Like I said, I'm not a jealous person, but that doesn't mean I can't be hurt. Because I tried so hard, even beyond the point of being smothered by my own frustration, I was there whenever he'd call me, or needed me. I just wanted to be his friend. I never wanted anything romantic, certainly not after Bear told me Tsukasa in the real world was a girl, but is wrong to want more friends? I mean, as I think about everyone working to bring Tsukasa back to the real world, they all, every one of them, has friends within the group, a person they can rely on when they just need to talk. Bear has B.T.; B.T. has Crim, Subaru has Crim, the Silver Knight and a bunch of other followers who worship the ground she walks on. Why'd she have to take Tsukasa? Wasn't I a good enough friend to him in The World?  
  
Okay, so I take it back, I am jealous. But in our group, I'm the odd woman out, the happy-go-lucky, cheery person who talks first and doesn't even consider the consequences. But that's just who I want them to see. No one knows me...not like Tsukasa. And even he didn't know me, but I was sure he would understand me. All the other players in our group are just so much older than I am...well, maybe not Subaru, and definitely not Tsukasa...but what's the point? They have each other; they don't need me tagging along. So who do I have? B.T. doesn't like me and Crim and Silver Knight are impartial towards me. Sure, I guess it could be said Bear is there for me, but he's like my dad, how would he understand any of the problems I face at school...with boys, or just anything at all in my life. So in our little group, as I said, I'm the odd one, the one without the definitive connection many of the others have.  
  
So am I such a horrible person, that after all the time I spent trying to get Tsukasa to open up, he still picked Subaru over me? Does that make me a bad person for being jealous? If I was Tsukasa's friend, shouldn't I be happy for them? Maybe I am happy for them, in some dark recess of my mind I sure I am, but I just wish I was included, that I wasn't so separated from everyone else. All I can do is keep my pasted smile on my face, keep the tears from my eyes, and let everyone believe I'm okay. Sometimes it's better to suffer alone anyway...when no one seems to care. 


	2. Crim

A/N: Well, I watched the HackSign series again and came to a similar conclusion on Crim that I did for Mimiru in the first chapter. After all he did for her, why did Subaru choose Tsukasa over him? So, this is his POV. Not sure if this chapter is any good and I must apologize in advance if the verb tenses switch from time to time. I'm not very adapt at writing first person, so I may get a bit mixed up. Again, reviews are greatly appreciated and inspire me to write more so keep them coming people. Thanks much.  
  
I don't own .Hack, Ban Dai does and I'm not them.  
  
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Why Wasn't it Me? Chapter 2  
  
Finding reality itself within the confines of an online game is nothing short of amusing, but the fact that I found it...and lost it makes the matter all the more difficult to understand. Sure, in The World I play my character as the thoughtless, action over ideas type of person that is both charismatic and charming. That's not the real me however, and though I wish I could be more like Crim in the real world, I made the decision long ago, when I first started playing this game, that I would keep my two selves separated. A game is a game, and the real world is the real world...the line between those two realities should be clearly defined.  
  
That was the way I played it, the way I wanted it, until I met her. The softly spoken, shy and frightened Heavy Axe whose own perceptions of understanding the online wonder of The World bordered on cluelessness. She was scared, even of me...and was a common target of the less than noble players within this game. That was when I made the conscious decision to look after her, guard her and if at all possible, protect her. I remember still the first days of our relationship, her reservations about adventuring. It seemed she only wanted to make friends, but had no idea how to go about succeeding in her only wish.  
  
She was a delicate China Doll in those days, beautiful yet fragile. I knew she hadn't had an easy life, she was far too reserved to have had anything else but trials and difficulties to face in the real world, but I respected other people's privacy and I wouldn't pry, no matter how much I wanted to help her. No, that's not quite right. I didn't want to help her, I wanted to save her. If I could do that for her, then my own shortcomings in life wouldn't seem so bad. So maybe in some regards I was being selfish. She was a project but much more than that. So much more in fact that it's difficult to explain let alone understand.  
  
I guess in some regard, I found myself loving her...as everyone who has come to know her has done. She is still the fragile China Doll, but there was an inner strength within her that surpassed any courage I had ever been fortunate enough to witness. It wasn't the courage to change the world, it was the courage to fix it...because the world isn't really messed up as badly as everyone believes, it only needs to be straightened out a bit. So yeah, maybe I do love her, but so did all the Crimson Knights. But I thought I was different, special among them. Hmph...another arrogance I suppose.  
  
But the thought of being away from her terrified me so much, that after I quit the knights, I broke my own rule and gave her my phone number. No one had ever had this effect on me to go back on my own validations. But she did, and she did it all without even realizing it, and that was the miracle. I had set out to save her, but in the end, I was the one who was saved.  
  
So why then have I become so introspective? Probably because of the little Wavemaster Tsukasa. I sense in him the same strength I sense in her. In the same way she penetrated my most resilient emotional defenses and made her way into my heart, he had done the same to her, and both succeeded in doing so without even trying. That was something that, despite my best efforts, I was unable to accomplish. There was always that distance that existed between us. I think perhaps she may have thought I pitied her, pitied her inability to walk and her need to meet people. That was never the case, though I'm sure that idea was always present in her thoughts. But it was never an issue with Tsukasa; she let him into her heart without any reservations or restrictions. She trusted him more than she ever trusted me, and it is that truth that hurts the most.  
  
Of course, I am reminded of my favorite phrase, "If you desire to know the truth then you must know that you also need the courage to accept it." The problem that presents itself however is that if I knew the truth before I found out, I never would have sought it. I suppose I have no option but to accept it, though that doesn't make it any less painful, for I am also reminded of another saying that is of less comfort to me. "If you truly love something, set it free. If it returns your love it is yours, but if it does not come back to you, it was never yours."  
  
Watching them sit together, not really talking to one another but saying more than any long-winded conversation could ever communicate, brings the reality to me...for she was never mine. Watching them, I see her smile, her posture more relaxed than any of the countless meetings we have had, and that is the truth that I fear, because I set her free, and although she found her way back, it wasn't to me.  
  
I know I'm happy for her. For me, the real and virtual worlds were separate...an escape from my daily, boring life. But it was always more than that to Subaru; it was a way she could live again despite her disability. She had found that same need within Tsukasa, so it's really no mystery why she chose to be with him. He offered her the illusion of reality within The World that I was unwilling to accept.  
  
For them, they were a means to fill the holes within their own lives, to heal each other; not the mind or body, but each other's souls. So yeah, I'm happy, I'm happy for both of them. Of course it would also be wrong of me to deny the tiny twinge of jealousy I find myself plagued with. I guess, when I really think about it, I'm not jealous for what they have, I'm jealous that it's not me sitting beside her. I'm jealous that despite all my efforts, I wasn't the one to save her.  
  
I can think of a thousand different regrets, a thousand "should have been" and "could have done" but it won't change the fact that she's with him. The fact that, though her character model is that of an angel, he was the one to teach her to fly. When she was troubled, after she disbanded the knights, he was the one she turned to. That the simple truth surrounding her is that, her only reason left for playing The World is because he can't log out. This is the only place she can be with him. That is her motivation and her mission.  
  
I sigh deeply as I realize what all my self-identifying rationalization has determined for me. Like the painfully accurate phrase tells me, I must let her go, for she does not belong to me. She is a shooting star who has it within her to answer only one person's dream. I must respect that, though I don't wish to do so. It boggles my mind some times, how brave I can be. I must give her up, and that may be the most courageous thing I've ever done. Yet, at the same time I cannot deny that that bravery is only a mask to hide my fear and regret. Even if I had the power to turn back time, to do things differently, I wouldn't change a thing. She's happy with him, and despite all I want to tell myself, I could never make her as happy as he makes her now, and though that may not be the best for me, it is the best I can do for her.  
  
Once Tsukasa is able to log out, once he and Subaru meet on the outside, I have my doubts she will find a reason to continue playing the game. I...The World will lose her. But if that is the price of her happiness, I can do nothing but pay it. I have sworn to do all I can to help Tsukasa return to reality, not so much for him, but for Subaru. So every step closer to solving this mystery, we move closer to Tsukasa's freedom, Subaru's salvation and my own private Hell, because love is such a damning thing.  
  
Fin 


End file.
